So, I tried CrossFit tonight and I could not do it.
I made it through the warm up of jogging, various exercises and working with medicine balls. They started to show some fundamental CrossFit moves but I was signaled out and went to the side saying that I wasn’t doing squats right. He pulled me over to the corner and had me sit on a box.
I was really disappointed in myself. I don’t like being the “special” one who needs help. I just want to be like everyone else and accomplish something. I started to feel bad about myself and it just escalated from there. I could not jump on a box as the rest of the class was doing and then was taken to the side to talk again.
I was told that perhaps I was not ready and that I could benefit from personal training, which I can not afford, and I said that maybe I should lose weight before coming back. I was devastated in my mind. I left and started to cry in my car. The failure thoughts started to overwhelm me.
The thoughts that I am just a failure and not worth it. Once one bad thought came, they all came rushing in.
To top it off, because I was crying, my contact came out in one eye and I could not find it in my car. I ended up crying and driving home holding my hand over my right eye. I was a big mess.
It tells me, how it is a thin line I walk. Deep down inside still can’t handle rejection or failure very well. No matter how much I tell myself that it isn’t bad, one misstep by myself and boom, it all comes back.
Will I ever be normal?
I signed up for 2 Life in Synergy classes this week so I am not going to let this get me further down. Between being criticized at work an then this, pushed me over the edge. I think I may just join the Planet Fitness, which is down the street from where I live and continue to take classes. I am not sure what else to do.