A Mess with Failure

So, I tried CrossFit tonight and I could not do it.

I made it through the warm up of jogging, various exercises and working with medicine balls.  They started to show  some fundamental CrossFit moves but I was signaled out and went to the side saying that I wasn’t doing squats right. He pulled me over to the corner and had me sit on a box.

I was really disappointed in myself. I don’t like being the “special” one who needs help. I just want to be like everyone else and accomplish something. I started to feel bad about myself and it just escalated from there. I could not jump on a box as the rest of the class was doing and then was taken to the side to talk again.

I was told that perhaps I was not ready and that I could benefit from personal training, which I can not afford, and I said that maybe I should lose weight before coming back. I was devastated in my mind.  I left and started to cry in my car. The failure thoughts started to overwhelm me.

The thoughts that I am just a failure and not worth it. Once one bad thought came, they all came rushing in.

To top it off, because I was crying, my contact came out in one eye and I could not find it in my car. I ended up crying and driving home holding my hand over my right eye. I was a big mess.

It tells me, how it is a thin line I walk. Deep down inside still can’t handle rejection or failure very well. No matter how much I tell myself that it isn’t bad, one misstep by myself and boom, it all comes back.

Will I ever be normal?

I signed up for 2 Life in Synergy classes this week so I am not going to let this get me further down. Between being criticized at work an then this, pushed me over the edge. I think I may just join the Planet Fitness, which is down the street from where I live and continue to take classes. I am not sure what else to do.

This entry was posted in exercise, failure, self esteem, self image. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to A Mess with Failure

  1. Angela says:

    You are NOT a failure! You are very brave for even attempting the class. That class didn't turn out so great, but perhaps the other ones will. You should be proud of yourself for trying and especially for signing up for two additional classes. I'm sure it was a combination of the difficulty at work and the class that combined to send you to your breaking point but it's good that you let it out. As for being "normal," I can't help you there; I'm not sure such a thing even exists. Hang in there, you are a strong and capable woman and a force to be reckoned with. XOXO

  2. egarcia says:

    Oh Jen. Sounds like they were kind of cruel. Have you tried zumba? It's a big ol dance party!!I'm sorry they did that, that was not cool.

  3. Jen says:

    At Life in Synergy they have Zumba and one of the teachers is a very handsome guy. I may have to try it again.

  4. Jen says:

    And let it all out I did but I think I needed it. I know I am not really sure what is normal after all.

  5. Sarah G says:

    This is horrible, but I'm 100% sure it has little to do with you and a lot to do with the xfit folks you met being not good at their job – they are professionals and should be able to adapt the workouts to any ability, and do it in a way that doesn't make anyone feel badly about themselves! They should have handled the situation better. I think that you may have better luck with a different xfit location, to be honest, but I wouldn't blame you AT ALL if you never did it again anywhere!

  6. Hello Jennifer,The way you were treated disgusts me. As it has been said before, a good fitness instructor can tailor their workout to any skill level. So what if you can't jump onto the box, you can step up on it, Right? So what if you form was a little off in your squats it is the instructors job to tweak your form anyway. But to actually be told you should lose weight before trying the class is abhorrent. Hello! Isn't losing weight part of the motivation to join the class in the first place?? Fitness instructors should want to help anyone get fit, not just get the people who already are in shape get into better shape.Okay, rant over.With all that said, I wanted to offer my services. I am not a registered personal trainer, but I have gone through rehabbing myself three times in the last two years due to a back injury and subsequent surgery. I have learned a ton about body mechanics, proper exercise techniques, progressive strengthening and core fitness from the kinesiologist (like a personal trainer, but they have a university degree instead of just a certificate), physiotherapist and chiropractor I have worked closely with for over two years. And I plan on getting certified if my back ever heals.All this is to say I would be happy to put together a program that suits your fitness level and is something you can do at home or at the gym. I would have to talk to you more about where you are, any medical concerns ect ect before I do, but I would be happy to help. Sorta like your very own personal trainer and cheerleader in one!Please keep in mind that you didn't fail at the class, the instructor failed at their job.I hope you have sunshine in your day!xo – S.

  7. Darci says:

    You tried. You went there and that is huge! All that really truly matter as far as I am concerned. It sounds like the so called "employee" at CrossFit needs a class or 12 in humanity and compassion. Don't let one jerk's words cut you so deeply. I have heard that Zumba is alot of fun. If you try it, let us know how it goes! Being "normal" is so overrated! LOL. Hope you are feeling a bit better today!:)

  8. Jen says:

    Thank you. I'd love to talk to you. My email is jen@losingtheshadow.com.

  9. Jen says:

    I have taken Zumba before and it was a lot of fun and watching the class that guy teaches, it looks like a lot of fun.

  10. Becky says:

    I am so sorry the instructor treated you like that! I can understand someone not wanting you to hurt yourself, and I have never tried CrossFit, but I can't imagine that there are not any modifications for people just starting out…everyone has got to start somewhere!My spin instructor is awesome. When there are new people in the class he takes the time to help them set up their bikes and explains that the important thing is not keeping up with the class when first starting out, but rather keeping your legs moving and working at your own pace.I can only imagine how you must have felt, but I know you are NOT a failure! The fact that you even attempted it is a sure sign of success! Keep your chin up!

  11. Germana says:

    Don't feel like you failed, you didn't! They have very poor instructors at your gym. They are full of it! I would try it somewhere else, or check the schedule and see if there is another instructor to try.Also, they are not supposed to discourage you like that. CrossFit is something that is scale-able. If they felt you weren't doing the squats properly, they should have had you do an exercise that would prepare you for squats. I would file a complaint actually. I'm sorry they made you feel that way! try other classes or exercises, maybe there is something else out there you may enjoy more. I'm more of a yoga over CrossFit person.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Those crossfit guys are a bunch of jerks. Seriously, the best way to lose weight is to start walking and then run. Find yourself a 5k race that's in 9 weeks and follow this plan. People of all levels participate in 5Ks. So what if you walk the whole damn thing! That's the great thing about races, there's camaraderie at all levels. The point is to move and doing it for a charity can make it even better. Get out there girl, no excuses! http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtmlI hope you find peace. You're a cool chica!

  13. Jen says:

    Actually next Sunday, I am doing the Walk for Hunger, a 20 mile walk (most of it I hope) to benefit the Greater Boston Food Bank and I signed up to walk the 5k at Blogher. Thanks 🙂

  14. Jen says:

    I have been taking Pilates-like classes and I love it! I also just bought a barre class 8 class thing off of one of those sample type sites, which I am excited about.

  15. Anonymous says:

    A 20 mile walk? That's awesome! Can you take snacks with you? A 20 mile walk calls for lots of energy like granola bars and bananas so you don't hit the wall so to speak. The 5k sounds great. I bet in your town there are 5ks every weekend. Jealous! Maybe sign up to volunteer at races too and meet new fun people? Go get em! 🙂

  16. Raine says:

    I agree with everyone else, that instructor was an ass. You will find a better class 🙂

  17. megan marie says:

    as someone who started crossfit not being able to jump on the 12" box, I can tell you for sure that the coaches at the box you went to sound cruel and unprofessional. I have never been singled out, in fact, the whole idea of crossfit is that you can scale any exercise to meet your fitness level. I wasn't able to actually jump on the box until I had been there for three months!I say, find another box and try it again 🙂

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