Mind Junk

This post is just one where I list what I am feeling today and it is not good. Be warned.

I have gained 4 pounds this week. Should have binged, it would at least made the 4 pounds feel better.

I was not feeling good before I stepped on the scale.

I was feeling very hopeless.

Very hopeless.

I was feeling very ugly, unlovable and worthless.

I was thinking that what I am doing to myself is a slow form of suicide.

I wish that I could just disappear.

If I never ate again, it would be better.

I am 38. I will never have kids or probably get married. I will be working until I am 90.  I take care of everyone but no one really cares about me.  What is the point?

That I needed to put this here to get it out of my head. Just writing it and admitting it feels better. I am looking forward to my therapy appointment this week. I try to hide what I am feeling but I double I did very well at that. At least I was alone today at work and didn’t have to face people.

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9 Responses to Mind Junk

  1. Sarah says:

    Just a hug for you. That is allxx

  2. Angela says:

    Sorry to hear that you are struggling Jen. I hope things improve soon!

  3. Anonymous says:

    This is hard to read! Whatever you want in life, you can have. You have to believe in yourself. Too much emphasis on weight- find the internal love for yourself. I wish there was an easy way to find that. Look around and appreciate- each piece of the earth is beauty and you are part of it. Life is full of opportunity and love- grab it. Love yourself.Take care.

  4. Jen says:

    It was difficult to write and it scares me. I am going to try to find something beautiful everyday.

  5. Jen, I am sending you a {hug} and a prayer.

  6. Pixie says:

    Jen, you do find something beautiful everyday. It makes me sad to think that you think you don't, because I believe you do. However small, you try to get the best out of things. You have been through an exceptionally hard time, not just in the past few weeks, but on that incredibly long run up to that point. You have been loving and caring, and that is something beautiful every day. It is hard not to be wrapped up in weight when being wrapped up in weight is what you know, and that takes a lot of time and can't be remedied over night. And it is desperately hard to find internal love when the external love is non-existent at times. But I think it is so important not to feel pressurised to think in a certain way. We all have to take our own path getting there, don't forget that. It takes enormous courage to be open like this. I admire you greatly.I know a wonderful way you can find something beautiful every day. Want to hear it? Look in the mirror. What you find in there is not what you think. What you will find there is what we know. Sending big hugs. xxx P

  7. Jen says:

    I wish I could go to England to talk! Someday I will get there.

  8. 71º & Sunny says:

    Jen, I care. You matter. You are NOT your weight. I need to repeat that to myself. I've put on a tremendous amount of weight in the last couple of years. I cringe every time I see a picture of myself, in fact I really just want to cry. I totally get it. But that is just the outside shell of us. We are so much more than our shell.You really do not know the future. You may very well get married and have kids. You just don't know. In spite of my frustration over my weight gain, my life is dramatically improved over just one year ago. I actually feel alive again for the first time in, oh, I don't know, maybe for the first time ever. I would NEVER have predicted that I would be where I am right now. In fact, I was convinced it would never happen for me. I was so sure of it. I was wrong. Thankfully. You truly don't know the future.I don't want you to disappear. Please tell your therapist how badly you are feeling. Don't sugar coat it. I will pray for you. Keep us updated and let us know how the appointment went.Hug.

  9. Becky says:

    Hi Jen, I have had days where I just want to curl up in a ball, close my eyes, and give up. Thankfully those days do not happen very often, but when they do I am just beside myself and feel very lost. I agree with the comment regarding not knowing your future. You could walk around a corner and your life and future could change…become drastically different then it was moments ago. Don't give up on you, your future, or your happiness. Being single and not having kids is not all bad. I was a single mom for 7 years and I have been married now for 8. Although I would not trade my kids or my husband for anything in the world, there are definitely things single, childless people can do. Enjoy your freedom, be spontaneous, enjoy your "me" time. You will get past this, I'm sure of it…just don't give up on the most important person in your world…YOU!

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