Appointment with Dad

Dad had an appointment at with his cardiologist this morning.  He has atrial fibrillation and because he can’t take Coumadin, as it does not thin his blood and he has had a bleeding stroke, there is not much they can do for it. His weight is an issue.

While in the waiting room, he talked about how if he died then it would be a whole lot better for “us” (me and the siblings). I was doing an internal “Gah!” followed by “No, Dad, it would not be better for us if you died.”

An argument over how someone’s death would make someone else’s life better was not what I wanted. I don’t want to think about Dad dying. It is bad enough with Mom. I don’t need to think about Dad as well. He is very important to me. I don’t have a large family. Once he is gone, it would not be better.

How does one respond to this? I mean really.

The doctor’s appointment did not go as well as before. He is reluctant to try to lose weight to give up the one pleasure in his life. He can’t drink, he can’t smoke or do drugs (though with the 30 pills he is on, I don’t know) and since he can’t take anything for his horrible arthritis he can hardly move. There is nothing they can do for him.

On the ride home, he started to talk about the past and how he enabled Mom. I can’t do it. I can’t dwell on the past. I have spent most of my life ruminating over and over and over the past until it makes me crazy. We can’t change it. It is what it is.  We talked a little then I said that there is nothing we can do to change it. Nothing. We can only work on the present and the future. The past makes us stronger.

I am worried about him. Since my brother was laid off, he is home a lot and that might be affecting things since he lives with Dad. He used to be the confident strong one and I am trying to be strong but inside, it makes me sick.

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