When I first signed up for Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago, I said that I did not want to know my weight, my gains, my losses, nothing. Please do not tell me. The receptionist said that is fine and she would write SILENT WEIGHT on my booklet and no one would tell me.
Well, tonight, I was not feeling good about the prospect of that number and myself in general. My mind was not in a good place as it frequently isn’t. I did not want to know. I wasn’t going to look.
The receptionist looks at my booklet, when she took it, says “silent weight, hmmm.” I said “yep”. I step on that inanimate object of control. The receptionist says “Wonderful! You lost 1.8.”
I said, “Please do not tell me. I do not want to know. I am trying to do this without dwelling on the number. I am trying to do this healthy, my way.”
“I thought you would want to know about a loss.”
What does SILENT WEIGHT mean? I am going to write it more on the inside. PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME. If I can handle it, I will look. That means the good, the bad, the wonderful and the ugly.
So now I know. I am dwelling. I hate it.
I hate it all.
Why do I do this? As if this helps? I know 100% times better. I know. I will not be successful unless I can beat this. I have lost 100 pounds several times only to feel WORSE about myself. I have spent a lot of money in therapy and I still can not shut this part of my brain off at times. I feel like a failure in the depression/anxiety therapy department. It is much better than before but certain behavior just encourages it and weight loss is one of them.
Losing the Shadow Behind Me 
Why did you join Weight Watchers then? One of the main purposes of the program is to get weighed in and be accountable. If you do the program correctly you loose lbs. There should be no surprises. A Weight Watchers meeting is the best place for you to be when you aren't feeling good about yourself. But for goodness sake look at the number and own it! Good or bad!
I am doing the program correctly. I do not need to beat myself over the number. Why did I join? Because I need to lose weight. I do not need to know the number to be successful. When I ruminate and judge my entire self worth on a number that is not healthy and that is what happens. To stop that I am not focusing on the number. I will look if I want to. If I feel up to it.I don't see how that is not working the program? I track. I follow the guidelines. I step on the scale. No where does it say I must look. I will look when I am ready to look. There are other ways to judge your progress. How your clothes fit, etc. I am doing this to be healthy. So I do not end up like my father at age 62.
It makes me so angry that she didn't respect your wishes.