When I first signed up for Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago, I said that I did not want to know my weight, my gains, my losses, nothing. Please do not tell me. The receptionist said that is fine and she would write SILENT WEIGHT on my booklet and no one would tell me.
Well, tonight, I was not feeling good about the prospect of that number and myself in general. My mind was not in a good place as it frequently isn’t. I did not want to know. I wasn’t going to look.
The receptionist looks at my booklet, when she took it, says “silent weight, hmmm.” I said “yep”. I step on that inanimate object of control. The receptionist says “Wonderful! You lost 1.8.”
I said, “Please do not tell me. I do not want to know. I am trying to do this without dwelling on the number. I am trying to do this healthy, my way.”
“I thought you would want to know about a loss.”
What does SILENT WEIGHT mean? I am going to write it more on the inside. PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME. If I can handle it, I will look. That means the good, the bad, the wonderful and the ugly.
So now I know. I am dwelling. I hate it.
I hate it all.
Why do I do this? As if this helps? I know 100% times better. I know. I will not be successful unless I can beat this. I have lost 100 pounds several times only to feel WORSE about myself. I have spent a lot of money in therapy and I still can not shut this part of my brain off at times. I feel like a failure in the depression/anxiety therapy department. It is much better than before but certain behavior just encourages it and weight loss is one of them.