Guilty

Another Friday, another meeting at the nursing home about Mom and her care. I went in feeling very overwhelmed. There were the nurses, social workers, my Dad and my brother and more tough conversations.
I found out that her feeding tube is currently going 24 hours a day at 45 ccs an hour. 


That is a lot for one stomach to handle. Can you imagine eating for 24 hours at a time?


I can not. She is becoming restless and bloated. Unfortunately, she can not tell us what is wrong. The 24 hour feedings are going to stop and she will have a few hours to digest and less intake in general. Eventually the feedings will go down to zero.


The immense guilt that I feel about putting the tube in the first place is overwhelming. If it had not been put in, she would be at peace now. What’s done is done. We can not change that and made the decision based on the bad facts I had at the time. 


I just want her comfortable. When I go there and she is sleeping, I do not wake her up. She moves around and gets restless otherwise but at sleep she is peaceful and I do not want to disturb that peace. 


Dad is a mess when it comes to making decisions. I do not where in the process he is. There was a whole discussing about Mom and not feeling pain when she was lucid and I was trying to tell him that you had to protect her from the hot soup or the cut before because she could not. It erupted into a little fight and I gave up in exasperation. I just wanted the meeting over. 


So as of now, the tube feedings will be decreased from 24 hours and she will be getting less overall and my guilt continues. 

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3 Responses to Guilty

  1. Angela says:

    I'm so very sorry that you have to face this Jen. Prayers for you, your mom and your family. HUGS

  2. I am sorry to hear about your mom. I too send you and your family my prayers.

  3. Pixie says:

    I don't know how you cope, Jen. You are amazing. I'm so sorry to hear this. You have been nothing but a constant support. I hope these feelings will pass and you recognise that. Sending lots of love xx P

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