Numbers and Confidence

Today was the day of the dreaded yearly physical to keep my health insurance for 2012.  I had a lot of anxiety about the appointment. I was afraid of the weight talk but I told her I was in treatment for binge eating disorder and the support groups that I attend. She seemed happy that I had taken that step.

She was concerned that I would stop going to the meetings after the cruise but really, they are such an integral part of my week that I really look forward to Wednesday nights.

I started the appointment by telling the nurse that I would be weighing in backwards and to not tell me the number. She was happy to oblige me. The doctor did not mention the number either. I thought I would get through the appointment without seeing that number.

I was wrong. I checked out. I am going to have a sleep study because of my difficulty waking up in the mornings. I also needed to make another appointment and get blood drawn. Well, the clerk printed out a number of pages for me to take and the top page of the the little packet was the number, my BMI and their lifestyle recommendations.

My heart sank. I could feel the tears coming and the horrible things I think about myself ruminating in my head. That number was horrible and I am almost back to where I was 10 years ago.  Maybe if I just not eat, it will all go away.

I came home and tweeted for a little bit. A NUMBER WILL NOT DEFINE ME OR CONTROL ME.  I kept saying that over and over in my head. I always say I will not let it bother me but in reality, it devastates me.

I went out to get the mail and on the porch was my tankini that I ordered from Land’s End. I decided to try it on immediately to make sure it fit. I also decided to display some swimsuit confidence. I was not part of Land’s End promotion and I was not recruited to show swimsuit confidence. I am going on a cruise next week and needed a swimsuit.

bathingsuit

I will not comment.

Here’s the top up close.

top

I am taking a big step posting these pictures here and the thoughts going through my mind are nothing but critical. I am going to wear the suit on the cruise. I will bring the sunscreen of course.

I bought another dress. I love this Michael Kors dress but the picture from my phone leaves a lot to be desired. I can wear it to work or out. I like dresses because they are the whole outfit. Easy on, easy off.

 

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I really liked this dress until I saw the side view and asked myself when the baby was due. I love the shirt hanging up. If it was on sale, I would have gotten it but at $69, I could not justify it.

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9 Responses to Numbers and Confidence

  1. Anonymous says:

    I am so impressed that you are totally putting yourself out here. I'm so sorry you had such a tough day. I gotta tell you though – dress #3? That style makes me look preggo, too. And I so wish it didn't bc that style is sooooo comfy. *sigh*I need to tell myself a number won't define or control me, either. But it's so hard. I am at my heaviest ever. I feel unattractive. I know I am beig hard on myself. But it's still a struggle,every day, to not constantly think about food. And then after I eat, think I ate too much and overanalyze everything I ate. Ugh.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Jen -(((Hugs))) first off. We are in a similar situation and I too, need to remember that I will not let a number define me. I will do my best to live healthier and not let food win when I'm having a moment (or 10) of weakness. I'm proud of you for putting the pics up. It takes a brave woman to do that. I can't wait to hear about your cruise when you get back.Michelle

  3. Anonymous says:

    Have you considered hypnotherapy? I know, I know – one more thing to try. I used it for something difficult that'd be overrunning my life. The change it affected was so substantial that I tout hyp any chance I get. If you want a recommendation, holler.jam

  4. sassy says:

    Please don't let a number rule you. If you do you won't look after your body the way you deserve to.You did an amazing thing when you decided to photo yourself in your (amazing) new swimsuit. Because you deserve to swim and have a wonderful time on your cruise.Also, the Michael Kors dress looks great on you.

  5. Pixie says:

    I don't think you realise how beautiful you are. And I have been there, know the feelings, been lucky. Why on Earth would you not take photos of you? You are beautiful. And it is all lovely and idealistic when we say it is about the beauty on the inside, and of course it is. But blimey, I should imagine most of the women on the planet (and some men too) want reassurance at some point that they look beautiful on the outside too.It's okay to cry about numbers, you're human and we live in a society consumed by numbers. And it is fantastic that you are getting help, because regardless of the number, you recognise your behaviours and want to change them. Jen, forgetting for one moment the number, your feelings, your decision to put the photos up, your battle, your amazing decision to get the help you need; forgetting all that for one moment, you ARE beautiful. xx P

  6. Lisa says:

    That is the cutest swimsuit ever!! I hope you have a fantastic time on your cruise 🙂

  7. Anonymous says:

    Love the suit, hope you have a great time on your cruise! Numbers are numbers and Jen is Jen whatever the scale says.Angela

  8. Anonymous says:

    Jen Love the swim suit (you look fantastic in it) LOVE the dress – so cute…I would like it for myself..where did you find it?Do NOT let a number define you. I have been struggling with this latley…very unhappy with the number I saw on the scale last week. I cried and cried and cried and then pulled myself together and said enough…I can do this. And so can you!Have a wonderful time on the cruise (I expect a blog post) and keep going. It will only get better!! All good things.Lootz (I don't know WHY I can't log in thru google…but I can't) 😦

  9. MyThought says:

    I'm sorry you had a difficult day!I really really love that black dress! You look great in it. And the swim suit is great too! You know, everybody thinks of themselfes that they are not beautiful or they don't look good in swimsuits. But you do! Have fun on your cruise! Take a looot of pictures!By the way my blog moved to a new url. http://memythoughtsmyselfandi.blogspot.comYou might have to unfollow and then follow me again.. (((HUGS)))

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