Yep, it’s how I feel. Tonight’s topic brought the tissues over to me. The first time I have cried at that meeting. The topic of relationships came up again or just being happy and wanting things like marriage and kids. I said that why would I even bother to think of that stuff? It will never happen for me and why get worked up when I am just not meant to be with anyone.
I just get hurt in the end. I might as well be fat and binge. Why be happy when it will end and I’ll be hurt or just brought down by something. I am afraid of being happy. How can someone be afraid of being happy?
My comfort zone is misery, disordered thinking, turning to food when no one else is there, whether it is in my mind or not. When I lost 100 lbs., I didn’t feel any better. Maybe naked. People were using me and I was falling for it. I didn’t like the attention. People would tell me, “If you just lose 15 more pounds, you’d be great.” I guess I wasn’t great then. People treated me better but for all the wrong reasons.
I want to be invisible. Not noticed. Just be my unlovable self. I can’t get past that. I am just messed up in the head.
Why I am writing this? I don’t know. It is all just coming out.
The leaders thanked me for being honest. Maybe I should have just kept quiet.