Support Wednesday: Unworthy

Damaged Goods.

Unlovable.

Worthless.

Yep, it’s how I feel. Tonight’s topic brought the tissues over to me. The first time I have cried at that meeting. The topic of relationships came up again or just being happy and wanting things like marriage and kids. I said that why would I even bother to think of that stuff? It will never happen for me and why get worked up when I am just not meant to be with anyone.

I just get hurt in the end. I might as well be fat and binge. Why be happy when it will end and I’ll be hurt or just brought down by something. I am afraid of being happy. How can someone be afraid of being happy?

My comfort zone is misery, disordered thinking, turning to food when no one else is there, whether it is in my mind or not. When I lost 100 lbs., I didn’t feel any better. Maybe naked. People were using me and I was falling for it. I didn’t like the attention. People would tell me, “If you just lose 15 more pounds, you’d be great.” I guess I wasn’t great then. People treated me better but for all the wrong reasons.

I want to be invisible. Not noticed. Just be my unlovable self. I can’t get past that. I am just messed up in the head.

Why I am writing this? I don’t know. It is all just coming out.

The leaders thanked me for being honest. Maybe I should have just kept quiet.

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4 Responses to Support Wednesday: Unworthy

  1. sassy says:

    "My comfort zone is misery, disordered thinking, turning to food when no one else is there, whether it is in my mind or not. When I lost 100 lbs., I didn’t feel any better."I could have written that myself. Whenever I struggle with self worth I need to drag out all the kindness and love I give to others and give it to myself. We are all worthy of happiness and love. Especially when we feel we don't deserve it.

  2. Pixie says:

    You are saying all that is in my head, Jen. I understand every word. I am listening and thinking of you 🙂 x

  3. I am so sorry to read the profound sadness inthis story but also inspired. We're never alone and just when I think some of my most secret thought will never be understood… you write this blog post and I realize it's ok to feel this way. We'll get through it. You, me, and anyone else who want to keep trying. You're spirit is contagious. I think I may consider a group for my social issues… maybe 🙂 You're strength helps give me the confidence to want to try.

  4. Maggie says:

    Thank you for writing this, I know where you are coming from, especially on weight and happiness. You are not invisible, we see you here and you are amazing

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